Remember when I was 24 guys?
Well I don’t. It was TOUGH YEAR MUTHAFUCKAZZZ. mental block out phase 8. In truth I had some of my greatest and most memorable to date experiences of my life even through the tough shit. Still having them through this period of “confusion”. Stages. ugh.

I’ve always kind of felt like happiness isn’t just a thing that happens to you, like you don’t just wake up one day and become “happy” I mean if that DOES happen one day i will not be complaining but realistically you tend to get happy and feel content and then someone might die or walk out on you or you get depressed or a friend does something shitty to you or someone goes crazy or a family member goes through a tough time or whatever. And I am NOT meaning to sound like a pessimist! Just a realist. And in fact I am actually the opposite of pessimist I am an optimist. I actually think that life can be fucking great even when it sucks.

It’s like when you have a hangover, you just have to go with it and see the funny side and enjoy the good parts about when it gets sucky. You can be ridiculous, you can laugh at ridiculous stuff, you can laugh at the bad stuff and that becomes really ridiculous because then you feel like you’ve lost your mind and you can do things like drive to vegas with 2 people you barely know, arrive at midnight, win 2 bucks, party all night and drive back the next day without showering. You can do kind of crazy things (please don’t get into a car with some strangers!!) and put it down to what you’re going through. You’re allowed. Because it’s true. Because tough things make you go a little crazy and they help you figure out what you want (pancakes) and what makes you happy (cheetos crunchy style) but you realise the whole idea of forever is kind of bullshit, i mean the universe is forever expanding, everybody dies etc, i kind of shoulda figured this one out already, DUH!

And the whole  ‘not having forever’ isn’t an unhappy thing either. I mean at times it will be sure, but I’ve had friendships where i think it has to stay like this forever!!!! and it doesn’t and that turns out ok, in loads of different ways, either like i lose a friendship and i keep meeting amazing people and i have other new amazing friendships that bring things to my life i never thought i needed and i figure that will keep on happening. Or it can progress to different stages of love and affection, like my best friend since i was 3, who i couldn’t live without on the train ride to school, lunch break, afterschool, phone calls till my mum hung up the call for the sake of her mortgage, and now that friend lives in australia and we always have a drink at christmas and i took her to her first ever festival and we both love and support each other and always will but we are adults now with different lives. My life will keep on changing and i will be challenged and hopefully come out the other side (please save a spot for me in the nut-house).

I remember feeling recently like I wanted that treatment in the book the valley of the dolls, I just want to be drugged and go to sleep and wake up and be better, i don’t want to go through this pain, i can’t, i physically, literally, everythingally cannot, emotional pain is like a sickness, sometimes a really bad one that feels like it might kill you. like actually you will cry to death. and i can’t say i wouldn’t go back and not have it now (the treatment), i’m not like ‘oh yeah all that crying for hours really helped me grow’, who knows maybe it will help me write a sitcom later in life. anyways, i don’t really have any advice for this pain other than keep going. lie in bed if you have to, get up if you can, have a go to outfit that is comfortable, looks cute in a “i am crazy stay away from me i do not want to talk to you” kind of way and get your friends to literally pick you up (make sure someone mops up tears from the floor so you don’t slip over once your up, trust me that’s a downer!) also trust your gut. sometimes you have to do what you know is right and that isn’t necessarily what you want so it makes it pretty confusing and really hard to make decisions.

i’ve been hanging out and writing music with willow smith recently. she is officially the coolest most together and full of wisdom 11 year old (person) i have ever met. she told me that you have to love yourself, and that once you are completely in love with yourself then you start from scratch and start to make decisions about what you want (how is she so smart and wise and cool?!?!?! who cares, she is and i am in awe)

i guess this sort of thing might have made me roll my eyes a few years ago. the sarcy, angry, scoffy brit in me would have awoken and said something dumb and thought it was hippified to really care about loving yourself. but after seeing what happens to some people when you really do not love yourself i would say this is the best advice anyone has ever given me. so yeah thanks willow.

And yeah it’s still totally and always will be confusing, cause like i believe that the people around you affect your happiness, like people around you that don’t treat you good = unhappiness for sure, but then sometimes people can be surrounded by people that treat you good and still be unhappy, so in those cases that simple math equation isn’t always right, it must be more complicated, like a fraction maybe. i was never good at fractions. on my maths gcse i knew i had fucked up when my answer had a decimal point and so many numbers after that decimal point that it didn’t even fit on the dotted line you were supposed to write the answer on. so still trying to figure out the whole fractions thing but i’m pretty sure it comes down to the individual. your own happiness comes down to yourself. all the other stuff makes life really fun and cool and awesome but the way you see yourself and others and how you treat your body and mind and brain and soul etc is down to you, even when it comes to others, because a) that will reflect onto others and b) because you can make the decision to not have those that treat you bad around you anymore. And that’s like way scarier because it means that we all have to take responsibility for ourselves, uh-oh. Good God don’t tell me next phase is self reflection? please no. someone pick me up and take me to the nut-house ASAP.

you know what, fuck it, can someone please just figure out the fraction equation thing and send it to me on twitter, that will make this blog a whole lot shorter. i guess i could sum this up and simplify it, my life advice = pancakes, cheetos crunchy style, it’s ok to go crazy sometimes, be good to yourself and in turn you will be good to others, don’t let people treat you like crap, have RESPECT by aretha franklin constantly playing in your head whenever you are sad or confused.

and the final notes from this essay?…dinosaurs are cool, i love andy samberg, i wanna go to comic-con and there are delicious smells coming from the kitchen so i must leave. the end. here’s to 25.


now pictures of me and friends (my friends not the cast of friends) getting drunk on my birthday and for the end of tour last month.